the 29th of December... another collapse

Wednesday we had the collapse and recover ... And then Thursday morning we had a repeat. I was in the bathroom early in the morning and Ernie walked in and fell over and then started urinating. I got up and grabbed a towel and then got him up. We went outside and he was wobbly and weak again. He defecated and wobbled really bad. I picked him up and carried him to the back door and he struggled to walk in the house. Crap. I gave him his iron supplement and a bit of food, his pred and anti nausea. And waited. But he didn't seem to be 'recovering' like he did yesterday. So i showered. When I got out, more of the same. This time I was worried and called the vet. They said to bring him in. I had to drop him off so that my oncologist could see him between appts. While waiting for them to call us, I was waiting for him to fall over. There were other clients in the waiting room and I felt like everyone was staring at us. I know that sounds weird, but most people are in there for cancer treatments of some sort and I feel like people look at you and your dog to see how you are both handling things. Or maybe that's what I do - and I just think everyone else does that. I don't know, but it seemed like it took forever. The tech finally came out (but really I was only waiting maybe 10 minutes) and got some info. Then we went to the dreaded scale. But he had lost less than a pound. I had thought he had lost tons of weight because I so easily was able to carry him. But he was still at 61 lbs. I think an angel was on my shoulder and gave me the strength I needed. So I left him there. Its always so horrible - he never wants to leave me and puts on the brakes. I just have to go - because standing there telling him its ok just makes things worse. It needs to be no big deal. Later that day Dr. Beaver called and said that she would like to do blood work, and also and EKG. She said that she had taken him for a walk and observed the 'drunk walking' like I was talking about. And had also checked his paws for a response, and he had proprioceptive deficits. Basically you flip the back paw over and when the dog doesn't reposition the flipped paw w/in a number of seconds, they have proprioceptive deficits. The reasons for this could be all sorts of things. Lymphoma in the spine, a problem with the spine itself, a herniated disk, etc. And no one at this point was sure what was going on. Part of me was still thinking that this was a reaction to the vincristine (a chemo drug he had gotten) but I was also concerned that it was something much worse. We ruled out the lymphoma in the spine because the episodes come and go - and were not constant. So that was a relief. His heart looked good, his blood pressure was good, the blood values came back good except for the liver values still being elevated. However, they were lower than before and I guess I took that as a positive because they had lowered. Hopefully that meant the Milk thistle and SamE were helping with that. But there was still no reason that could be found as to what was happening. She said I could have him see a neurologist, but I didn't feel like I wanted to go that route just yet. So we decided to start him on Gabapentin which is for neuropathic pain and for treatment peripheral neuropathy. It was also suggested to increase the pred, but I didn't want to do that just yet. I picked him up and when we got home he was very tired and still very 'out of it' and wobbly and went to sleep. I was really worried. My mind was filled with him losing the use of his legs and what would I do. Get a wheel chair? Carry him? Oh my GOD he is going to be paralyzed. My mind was seriously going crazy..... Friday night I was supposed to do my yearly Superstition Mountains Gong/fire circle thing. How could I possibly go?? So I called the woman I was doing it with and shared what was happening. I said that he is going downhill fast and I can't possibly be away from him she understand. I hung up the phone and got blankets and made a bed on the floor.

21 November 2012 - Wednesday

Ernie has been eating sooo much better for the past two days. It is such a weight off when he eats! He likes the new Weruva food - and I mix it with some dry kibble. He won't eat the grain free which is what is recommended for cancer, but its more important that he keeps weight on. Yesterday he ate some breakfast, lunch and dinner too. Tuesday night we went to the park and played ball for awhile and the fatty (charlotte my chihuahua) even got some exercise. Its very funny to watch her tried and run fast through tall grass with her short little legs. :-) I have talked to the oncologist about increasing the amount of time between treatments and see how he does. Ernie has always been super healthy so medications and vet visits are a new thing to him. Its more important that he has more good days than bad, otherwise what is the point? I have also been able to step down his prednisone and he might be off of that completely by next week depending on how he does. yay. The one yucky thing about cancer is that when there is a good day my mind thinks yay he is cured. But its not like he has an infection that will go away with a round of antibiotics. So we manage it day by day and continue to be grateful for the good days and pray for our continued strength.

today i hit a huge point of frustration... ernie will not eat and i have tried everything. we ended up going to the park and throwing the ball. What he loves to do. I watch him as he chases the ball and comes back with his tail wagging. Sometimes he trips, but he has been doing that as he has gotten older. It's hard sometimes to watch your companion age right in front of you, but even harder to know that he is dying from cancer. He has lost 9 lbs since this started, and if he continues to not eat, he will not be able to maintain himself. Tonight I felt like i wanted to scream or explode or implode or cry or I don't even know. While I am really trying to see what good there is, and be happy when I get good news after vet visits, the process is extremely hard at times. As I type this he is bringing me the ball and squeaking away like life is wonderful. And I am very glad for that! I just wish that it wasn't so challenging at times, and that I didn't have to make weekly visits to the vets, or remember to give him certain medications, or spend hours trying to get him to eat or just be aware that we are in this situation. I can't even incorporate herbs or other holistic remedies because he won't even eat his food to put things in. He even smells the so called odorless Omega 3 that I bought. And speaking of smells - he can now smell anything and everything. I bought him some more squeaky balls and have two of them sitting up on a shelf and he stood below sniffing and staring until I got him another one. There are now 6 or 7 balls floating around the house along with the other toys of his that make fun squeaky noises. When we went to Petco yesterday he knocked a bunch of stuff off of shelves because he had to sniff everything. And when he goes with me to visit friends he has to wander into every one and sniff everything on tables or corners or whatever. Its an odd new behavior. I don't mind it - but I think the super smelling power has an effect on his eating. I am trying to hang in there the best that I can, and luckily I only hit these 'breaking' points every so often. I am a member of a couple online support groups, and have read that the emotional roller coaster is part of the deal. So at least I know that I am not going crazy (crazier).

Monday November 5 update

Monday November 5 Woke up this morning and again tried to sleep until a bit later.. 8:00am but was woken up by the barkers. But - the good news is the Ernie slept by my bed last night. Yay. And when I woke up he was still sleeping peacefully and deeply. So I tiptoed past him and went and started up some coffee. It was past the time he should get his morning meds, but I figured having him sleep was better for him, and well I guess there is a lot of comfort in watching your dog sleep. In fact I probably have a few hours worth of video of him sleeping. "Look - keep watching. In 5 minutes he will twitch... Its so cute, don't you think". Of course I still haven't found anyone that is as interested in watching my dog twitch or dream or snore or whatever. But who cares. I like it. No I love it. So when he finally opened his eyes and slowly got up I saw that he had slept so soundly he urinated in his sleep. He has done this a couple times before - since he has been on the prednisone. No biggie, I cleaned it up and it was on the wooden floor so it only took a couple of seconds. Since he is a dog he had no idea what had happened and enjoy the bonus early morning massage he got with the towel as I dried him off. Very grateful for wooden floors. Much easier that cleaning urine off of the carpet. Not too hungry this morning ... gums still a bit pale, but he still seemed ok. Came home around 2:30pm. Tried some food after letting he and Charlotte out. Not that interested... Made some fish sticks - and mixed with his food. He ended up picking through it and eating the kibble! So I fed him just that. He really was more interested in playing w/ his ball! Its his latest obsession. So while I was trying the whole food thing, Charlotte was trying to get her share. I gave her some and tried to keep getting her out of the way. I could tell ernie was getting a bit annoyed with her. But pretty much ignoring her as usual. So i was getting ready to go back to work and saw Ernie out of the corner of my eye chewing on his ball, and charlotte walked past him to go under the rocker. And he turned and snapped at her and she screamed. I freaked out not knowing what had happened (if there was a bite) and i smacked Ernie and yelled. I just reacted. I didn't hit him hard or anything but, I did smack his back. I felt bad :-( and bad for Charlotte. I retrieved her and she of course was terrified, so i calmed her and she ended up getting a big ole piece of fish. Seriously... not what I need right now!!! So i hung out a little longer and let things chill back to normal. Ernie was still chewing away at his ball like nothing had happened. After work when I got home, still not a lot of interest in food, but i did get him to eat some pizza, and some Blue Buffalo kibble, cheese and some dog treats. He was restless all evening. Rounding up every ball he could find and panting and looking for 'something' and just regular unease. So I decided to try a frozen bone which he hasn't wanted in forever. And... he loved it. He pretty much attacked it with gusto for a bit. And then lost interest. But its ok - at least he did spend some time chomping away at it. Its super late tonight and I need to go to bed. But we ended up going for a walk at 10:30 to try and get rid of some energy. He did great and even tried to chase a cat. And then tracked its scent for awhile. I think the chemo has given him super charged smelling powers. That dog can smell ANYTHING. TOmorrow is his recheck. Praying the blood values are GREAT.

Sunday November 4 update

Well today I tried to sleep in again, but my neighbors constantly barking dog decided he would have none of that. So much for extra sleep. Got up and took Ernie out. Gave him the anti nausea. And then took out Charlotte. Then gave Ernie his pred. It was gorgeous out. I am truly loving this cooler weather. So. Much. I am grateful that we are experiencing this while the weather is cool. It would be so much more of a total drag if it was a convection oven outside. We get to have the door and windows open and its over all delightful! No food interest this morning. But that is somewhat normal these days. Its not as big of a concern as it used to be. After awhile I made eggs and toast. He was very interested but lost interest after a few bites. Today I invited a bunch of people to my Facebook page. And it was a giant dose of reality. I am really glad its out there for my friends, and people who know Ernie but for some reason it brought up so much emotion and I pretty much cried all day. I received a lot of great messages from friends which only brought more tears - but really it was all a wonderful thing. Today was the first time i have really let myself cry. I mean I have cried many times since this has occurred, but it was usually just for a few moments in my office at work or in my car driving. I have a rule to not be over emotional in front of Ernie because he totally picks up on it. And he has no idea why I am upset - or if perhaps he has done something to upset me. But today he was tired, and slept a lot. It was an opportunity to release some of the pain that has been building. The past month and a half has been a roller coaster of sorts and todays release was well... a release. Throughout the day he ate and slept. He was picky, but I did manage to coax him into eating a bunch of different stuff. Fish sticks w/o most of the breading and blue buffalo kibble on and off throughout the day. Oh and some cheese. He is doing okay tonight. His gums are still pale. boo. But we went to get more water (because he drinks at least a gallon a day due to the prednisone) and he grabbed his ball and got in the car. Tonight he even stood up in the back at one point and put his head out the window. Win! He seems to have more energy in the evening and a better appetite too. He ate more kibble plain, some cheese and a bunch of Honest Kitchen treats. Win! He is on the floor chewing his tennis ball.. which has now lost the squeak. But he seems quite content. From looking at him from the outside you wouldn't know that he is suffering from anemia. Overall the day was good - despite the emotional outpouring it really was a good day now that i look back on it. Win :-)

Saturday Night

So its late and I am working on getting this blog together so that I can share with some people what's been going on. But going through the posts and writing stuff has been really hard. Sometimes reality hits me so hard and the tears start coming and just won't stop. If you have had a pet, you know the very special and deep bond that forms between you and them. It's a crazy thing really. I have had Ernie for over 12 years and the time went by in a second. And yet we have been together through so many things that I have tons of great memories. I know that the day will come when that will be all that I am left with, so every moment I try and cherish the time we have together. I am off to bed... its late - and he is already soundly sleeping by the door. Win!!

Saturday November 3rd Update

Today I slept in until almost 9:30am! whoa... It was really great to get some rest. Ernie was by the screen door and awake. He got up and we went out. I gave him his anti nausea meds. We are done with the cerenia and have switched back to Metoclopramide. I waited a bit and then gave him his prednisone. He took it with a piece of cheese (win!). Its so nice when I don't have to 'manually' give it to him. Today we stepped down from the 1 1/2 tabs 2x/day to just 1 tab 2x per day. Let's see how he does! Made some eggs and toast to see if he might eat something. He ate almost 2 eggs, no toast. I was fine with that. I also noticed that he will eat kibble off the floor, but not from the bowl. So I have to scatter a few pieces and leave it there. There have been times he was lying on the floor and the food happened to be in front of him there and he ate it. win. Had a bunch of visitors today. The mail woman Cindy said hello and and Ernie got up and went out to see her. We were talking about Ernie and I mentioned he had cancer. I almost started to cry. It is still hard to say out loud. She has know Ernie for a long time and was sad to hear the news. Part of the reason I love living here in downtown Mesa is that you get to know your mail carriers. The last guy we had retired and I was invited and went to his retirement party. After he and his wife moved to their retirement home, he sent me a postcard! he told me how much he missed Ernie. Ernie likes to rush to the dog and bark like a crazed rabid dog when the mail is delivered. You should see my door... :) After that Jeffrey one of my neighbors popped over for a little bit. And then Star and Danny stopped by on their way back from somewhere just to say hey. Ernie likes visitors. I think he thinks that when someone shows up they are here to see him. The afternoon was quiet, except that I have been watching this tiny bump on Charlottes back. It has gotten a little bit bigger. It looks kind of like a very small wart. arrrrghh... So I made an appointment with my holistic vet for next week and also emailed her to see how quickly it should be looked at. I am hoping she says I can wait a week or two. Next week is Ernie's recheck and it will already be time from work. BUT if it cannot wait, i am ok with that too. I just hope I won't need to start another blog called Charlotte's journey! Thinking POSITIVE. It WILL all be ok. Went to the pharmacy tonight and picked up a refill on Ernies anti nausea medication. And ran into Bashas. Got home and made some pork carnitas (pre made) and added chicken to it to dilute the spices and fat. Its not something I ever buy or eat - but I was thinking that I could add it to his food to entice him. I also bought bacon. If a dog won't eat bacon - then you are in trouble! I need to have 'go to' stuff in the house.... So I put the carnitas mix on kibble - and voila. Yummy for Mr. Ernie. He ate two servings. He seems to be doing ok today. He is definitely more lethargic. So I am letting him sleep when he wants and just layin' low. I had a couple people text me to do stuff tonight, but I really want to just stay in. It was really nice to be invited though :) and have support and understanding from my friends when I have to say no. So now we are just resting. Of course if I got up to and went to the door Ernie would grab his ball and want to go out. but since he is lying on my foot, I won't be moving for awhile. :-)) We will go out and play for a little bit later. The vet said a little bit of walking and play was ok, but to be sure and not overdo it right now.

Friday November 2nd - vet check then ultrasound and anemia

well today was a roller coaster.  had a vet check up.  Went in and his weight has remained stable. yay!  and his lymph nodes have all shrunk and are the best they have been. yay!  They took blood to check to see where he was with the anemia.  We left happy - Ernie with his ball in mouth (he takes his squeaky tennis ball with him everywhere now).  I dropped him off and went back to work.  Got a call from the vet at work.  His blood work shows an even lower PCV.  Meaning his bone marrow isn't producing new red cells, or he is bleeding internally, or who knows.  It was sooo upsetting to hear. My stomach rolled over and I started crying. I said to Dr. Beaver, wow... I am worried. And she said, yeah so am I. So I told work I had to leave and of course couldn't even get it out without losing it. Sometimes its really hard to hold it together. So back to the vets for an ultrasound. This was not the news I was expecting after our 'wins' earlier.  Went home and grabbed Ernie (and the ball in mouth) and went back to the vets.  I waited anxiously for the ultrasound and results.  It seemed like it took hours. They had the Discovery channel on the TV and it was a show about infestations. Rats, cockroaches, bats. Totally freaky and disgusting. But it was so freaky and disgusting that it created a welcome distraction and created conversation between me and the women the work the front desk area.  Finally met w/ the vet and the good news was all looked good inside.  And he didn't stress too much during the procedure.  I asked them to please not put him on his back if they didn't have to, because he doesn't like being on his back and had to do that with his previous ultrasound.  so they did it on his side. And of course prior to the procedure Dr. Beaver had said he is shows any signs that he is really stressing we will pull the plug. They are so great at this place. And have always taken great care to do whatever they can to keep Ernie at east.  Anyways. All looked good...  no tumors, or bleeding or fluid.  But .. now what?  What is causing this anemia??  There is no good answer right now.  So he got a vitamin B shot and a recommendation for iron supplements, and we go back on Tuesday.

Thursday November 1 update

Today Ernie ate much better. He ate another box of Ian's fish sticks, and a couple pieces of pizza. I was able to sneak in some calcium and a multi vitamin. later he actually ate some kibble. Blue Buffalo. Its the only kibble he will eat. and then at 11:45pm he at a small can of Evo. he always seems to get his appetite back late at night... probably from all the years of me staying up being a night owl. Trying to go to bed early, but if he shows interest in food - i jump on it.